Why Did I Do That????
I don’t know about you, but after many years of belonging to Christ, I still do things I know to be sin. I don’t want to…. I don’t plan to…. I hate the fact that I do these sinful things, but somehow they still occur. Am I really saved? Can God love me? We know that He hates sin, so how can he love me, an obvious sinner? I wish I could write or even know the clear answer to this question. I can’t, I don’t. I only know that which I have read in God’s Word, the Bible, and what His spirit speaks to me as His child.
I do know that I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. I am confident in His word that I have not turned my back on Him, and neither has He cast me out. So, yes, I really am saved. And yes, although he hates the sins I still do from time to time, He loves me…. I don’t understand it, but I know it to be true.
Anger… quick temper… words spoken in anger….. God, I hate those sins which still come from me. Every time I do this, I despise myself immediately. I have asked forgiveness and You have immediately given it every time. For this I am eternally thankful. But although You can forget these sins, those to whom I have lashed out and spoken words or actions of anger sometimes can not. I am deserving of the consequences of my anger and sin, but those I love and have verbally abused are not. God I pray for peace for them…. Relief from my anger and harsh words.
"…I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."(a). The apostle Paul, the most prolific scripture writer, said that almost 2000 years ago, so I guess I’m not unique. But I take little comfort in that, for my heart, my spirit tells me clearly this is not what Jesus wants for me. What then? Do I just go on doing these things in comfort with impunity? No! Not at all. The apostle Peter, one of Jesus’ inner circle, said " Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing…..seek peace and pursue it…"(b). And "Therefore be clear minded and self controlled so that you can pray."(c). Paul also said "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, mind your own business…"(d). And then there are Jesus’ own words "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the sons of God"(e)
Yes, God is God and I am not. Yes, He is perfect and I am not. Yes, Jesus’ blood has done its work in me, but I still sin…. often against my own will. Still, there is little comfort in all that after I have spoken harshly without regard to God’s love and purpose for me and the one to whom I have been harsh.
What to do, then? First, I know that God expects me to humble myself and apologize to the person I have offended. Whether my statement was right or wrong, my attitude and delivery were not. It is up to that person to forgive or not…. I cannot require forgiveness from them as a response to my apology. God will forgive every time, if the repentance is sincere and humble. Second, I can only take comfort in Paul’s words: "Not that I have already obtained all this (righteousness), but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me…… one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."(f).
Since Your word is clear that you ordained and wrote down all my days before I was born (g), I guess I just keep on keeping on.
(a) Romans 7:14; (b)1 Peter 3:9; (c) 1 Peter 3:11; (d) 1 Thessalonians 4:11; (e) Matthew 5:9;
(f) Philippians 3:12-14; (g) Psalm 139:13-16